God, I need your help today.

I always hate when my blog entries talk about bad days with Cole. So many I read are all the positives, and, how great their time together is. But, my goal all along has been to be really honest here - and, maybe someone else who's struggling will see that they aren't alone. And, the honest reality of our lives is that everyday is not peachy.

Today is one of those days. It's more like a rotten potato that you found under the stove 6 months later. It flat out STINKS. And, it makes everything around it stink. (if you can't tell, my mood really stinks today).

Jason got home last night at 1am after being gone since Monday at 7:30am. Cole woke up at 1:30am and wouldn't go back to bed until 6:30am today. I ended up having to keep him home from school, and, I had to stay home from work today too - and, miss something that's important. Jason had to leave again today at 8am, so you can see that there wasn't much happy time in the few minutes we got together this morning. He will do it all over again Wed-Thurs, then 8a-12midnight Friday -- then finally be home for the weekend. This is his job - we know it, it has been this way for many, many years - but now it's harder - because we had a taste of what "normal" families live like.

Cole has really been struggling with his Dad going back to work - he doesn't understand why he has to be gone all day & night. He asks me things like "is Daddy sleeping in his truck?", "did Daddy run away?", and, just tells me a lot how much he misses his Dad. I understand, I miss him too.

So...back to today. Most kids would be tired after no sleep all night, but not mine. He gets HYPER when he's not slept well, and, I don't mean regular hyper...I mean jumping on furniture, running non-stop and yelling for hours on end. He can't help it - his little brain just won't stop. I on the other hand am exhausted, sad & am trying really hard not to yell!

It's days like these that I really need God to lighten my load, because there is no way I can do it on my own.

Mommy, you hit me in da pace!

So, I promised Cole last night that if school canceled today I would take a day off & play outside with him since his Dad had to go back to work. Cole hadn't been able to play in the snow at all this year. HOWEVER, I was totally ready for work today before I got the news that school was closed, so I shipped him off to Bapa's house, and promised to take the afternoon off. I spent well over an hour getting to work on crappy roads, had a cruddy 1/2 day in the office, and, was detoured through 1/2 of Macoupin/Montgomery county trying to get home today ... to avoid the 600 car pileup between Gillespie & Litchfield. (yes, I am dramatic at times).

So..I get home just in time to find out he JUST fell asleep for his nap. I (impatiently) waited for him to wake up so we could go out to play. At 2pm I began the layering process for myself, and, by 2:30p I had him dressed & ready to go. Because I couldn't find anything for his face, I tied one of my scarf's around his face. He informed me "that is for a girl (it was purple) and to get it opf of me!".

After a few ceremonial pics...we finally get down into the snow. He said "Mommy, I want to hab a snowball fight", so...I put together a very pathetic snowball & threw it at him. WACK! "Mommy you hit me in my pace!"..and he angrily stomped in the house & threw off all of his snow gear....on my clean floor none the less. So...at this point I'm thinking - alright, i've done my duty, and, take off ALL my 18 layers. Moments after I got them all off -- he tells me he's ready to go back out. Ugh...

10 minutes later, fully bundled we headed back out. (minus the purple scarf). He had fun, I got a few pics...and, best of all - my "outdoor Mommy" duties are complete!

Hot bath, hot cocoa & chocolate chip cookies are up next :)

Just when you think they aren't listening...

This picture pretty well sums up the way I felt today! This afternoon I was working with Cole on his bible story, we have to use the beginner Bible (he got it as a Baptism Gift!) because he's just not ready for the 4 year old version. So, we were reading the (very abbreviated!) story of Moses. The whole story Cole was messing around - playing with his toes, itching everything imaginable - I just knew he wasn't listening. So, at the end I said "Cole, what did Moses do?" He turned around very matter of factly and said ... "He made the water go back so the children would be safe when they walked Mom". Hmmm....maybe he was listening? :)

Jason's going back to work!

Well, after 11 weeks, Jason was finally cleared to go back to work.
I really thought I would be so happy - and, I am for him, but I'm sad for Cole & I!!
All the normal "fears" flooded us when Jason was told he couldn't work for this long...the biggest being finances, but we were so blessed - God provided for us every step of the way. He made a way for us to begin to even eliminate debt at the same time! I was even worried that we would fight a lot because in all of our years together, we had never been together every night - he has always worked crazy shifts and gone Monday - Friday. I would be fibbing to say we didn't fight at all, but, it was wonderful - it was so nice to come home from work & have Jas here! Simple things like eating together every night & sleeping in the same bed are a big deal to us :)
I'm worried about how Cole will feel when Jason goes back to work. He's already begun saying a few things (like Daddy neber come back) that worries me. His understanding in big changes like these isn't that where we just explain that it will be like it used to be.
But...we thank God for the time he has given us with Jason home! It has been so nice to experience "normal" life for once. I appreciate all that he has done in these 11 weeks (mostly on crutches) to help out around the house! It has given me a much needed break & allowed me extra time to just seek God for what he wants from me next.
If you think about it, please say a little prayer for us over the next couple of weeks. That Jason will transition back to life away from home, and, in a hotel - that Cole will fall back into the old routine - and, that I can easily fall back into managing the home...Jason has left big shoes to fill in that department!

Preparing ourselves for Jesus

Pr. Randy had the most simplistic message today - and, yet it spoke to me in a great way.

In reality we know that Jesus is returning...any day, but I'm not totally sure that I'm ready for that yet. I love the thought of Heaven and spending eternity with Jesus...but, I'm so not ready to give up seeing Cole grow up, experiencing the joys of having more children, and, growing old with Jason. It's a crazy fine line between being a "good" Christian and praying for that day to come, and, being a real human Mom and thinking that I might be sad to not see my family grow up. God is really challenging me with this. And, honestly - if I let myself stop & think about -- I can get wrapped up thinking about ONLY this -- which I know is not where he wants me to be.

Today's message was based off of Romans 13:11-14. In the simplest, clearest message. Pr. Randy helped us interpret this scripture of how we are to prepare ourselves for the day we meet Jesus face to face.

1. Wake Up! (vs. 11) I know I walk around with blinders on..seeing only what my day planner has in store for me. I need to wake up..Jesus is coming! "our day of Salvation is nearer now than when we first believed".
2. Clean Up! (vs. 12 & 13) We can't keep living as if there is always more time. Our lives need to be clean & pure. Even our Best is not good enough...we must look to the Lord for help cleaning up the mess we have made.
3. Grow Up! (vs. 14) Man, this is a hard one. Am I dressed spiritually in my best? I doubt it. Do I monitor what "goes in" so that I'm only putting in what will bring out the best in me? Nope. Do I think first of His gratification and not my own? Definitely not.

Maybe if I can focus my attention on getting myself ready...God will ease my earthly fears that exist. I have a lot of work to do -- I think it's time to let go of the stuff that keeps me from working on myself, and, start making up for lost time :)

Schedule Change

I'm a little down today because our annual "CP girls" get-together was postponed today because one of the kiddos is sick. It's a bummer because we usually only see each other once or twice a year -- but, we will reschedule :)

So..we are headed to Springfield with Jason's Parents today to stock up on groceries at SAMS and maybe go out to lunch. It won't be the great time I had hoped for with my girls...but, being with the boys is always good.

Jason is only home for 2 more weeks, so I'm hoping to make the best of it!!

Last week was my first week back to work, and, Cole's first week back to school. We both got some unexpected extra time at home with Snow Days Thursday & Friday. Although we didn't do much, just being home with Jason & Cole is always nice in my book :)

God continues to provide the financial blessings we need to get us through this time while Jason is off work. We finalized a few things Friday that set our journey to financial freedom on the fast track. Our plan is 19-25 months to be debt free (except the house) from the time Jason goes back to work. Now we just need our 100K+ mile cars to last that long too!!! I know that it will be a challenge to stay on target...but we are both beyond fed up, so hopefully that will help this time :)

Jason sees the Dr. on Thursday, which we expect him to be released to the shoe only; aka: walking without crutches. He's been cheating a lot over the past 2 weeks, so, I really hope the foot is still on it's healing tack. I can understand how hard it was for him to be on those crutches though. He has said for 2 weeks it feels much better now, so he's frustrated that he's not working. We are fairly certain the Dr. will clear him to walk in the shoe on Friday, so, if that is the case -- as long as Schwan's says it's OK for him to drive & work in the shoe...he will be back at work next week. (the latter, i'm a bit more nervous about - Jason is certain he's going back to work, I'm not sure how HR will feel about him doing his job in that shoe)

This week will be crazy busy both at work & home for me. Tomorrow morning we have our first IEP meeting of 2010, good thing I don't expect it to be a big deal!