Sunday, November 22, 2009

The A-Bomb dropped today.....

Although we deal with Autism everyday...when the really hard days come, we joke that the "A-Bomb fell today".
Well, it's been one of those days.
A frustrated, tense, sad & overall exceptionally hard day.

Jason is on a 10 day work stretch trying to take 4 days off with the family at Thanksgiving, we haven't spent anytime with him since last Sunday, and, we won't get to until Thanksgiving day. I haven't decided yet if this was worth it.....
So, it's just me & Cole. And, with Jason's Dad having surgery this week, and recovering for the next week - I don't really have any back up for days like this - which makes them even harder. (Imagine the most heated argument you & your spouse have been in....and, then not being able to walk away & get some space, it's not pretty!)

I just want Cole to listen to me, I am exhausted repeating myself over & over again.
I hate the fact that once I've completely had it, I yell.
I feel terrible that when he's upset the only thing he can do is throw things. I want to help him, but instead I get angrier.
The hardest thing, is knowing that he honestly has no idea why I'm upset. When I cry, he hugs me & tells me "don't cry Mommy". When I yell...he yells back. On the rare occasion I have been angry enough to spank...well, you guessed it -- all it did was encourage him to hit back.

We are two emotionally charged individuals - who knows, maybe I fall somewhere on that crazy spectrum. Either way ... I hope for both Cole & my sake that we can find some happy time later. Right now I'm really missing that.....

Here's praying for a healing night & better day tomorrow :)

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